CAT-BURGLARS – A Frost Harrow Story

Celebrating 10 years of Frost Harrow Halloween stories!

Please support my work on Patreon. (Links to other free Frost Harrow tales at the end of the story.)

CAT-BURGLARS

“Shut up, Rudy!  You want someone to hear us?”

“I thought you said she wasn’t home—didn’t have a dog or nothin’.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Bill, you said she was at some kind of big-wig conference, giving a speech or somethin’.”

“Look, I read it in the paper last Sunday…”

Which paper?  They ain’t all reliable, you know, Bill.”

“The Frosthaven Chronicle, dumbass!  You think USA Today is gonna put some local cunt on the front page on Sunday?”

“No, but…”

“Rudy, you are as thick as a box of rocks!  Now, shut up so I can pick this lock!”

“Funny she don’t have no security system, rich broad like her…  Lucky for us, though, huh?”

“Yeah.  Real lucky.  Now, shut—”

Click!

“Oh, wait… There…  I got it.”

“She should have some good stuff, huh, Bill?  She’s loaded, right?”

“Yeah.  Not Frost loaded, but she oughta have enough for a good score.”

“Lot of money in advertisin’, I hear.”

“Rudy… I’m surprised you hear anything at all, with that big yap running all the time.  Get inside quick now, before anybody sees us.”

“Yeah.  Okay.  But ain’t many houses out here in the sticks.  That’s good for us, right?

“Sure.  But we don’t want to take any chances.  Cops gotta drive by sometime, even out here.  That’s why we came to the back.  Remember?  Now, get the fuck inside.”

“You want I should lock the door behind me?”

“What?  No!  Just close it.  Jeeze…!”

“Guess this is her kitchen.  Nice.  Lotta stuff.”

“We ain’t here to boost major appliances.  Let’s see what she’s got in the living room…”

“Gosh!  This is nice, too.  Wish I lived here, Bill.  She’s even got one of them whatchacallit… flat TVs.”

“Plasma.”

“Should we take it?  It’s so much bigger than the TV I got.  Bet it looks better, too.”

“Maybe on our way out.  Just look for antiques and that kinda shit—things that might be valuable.”

Whazzat?!

“Find some antiques?”

“No.  Somethin’ moved!  I thought you said she didn’t have no dog!”

“It’s a cat, ninny.  G’wan… Shoo!”

“A black cat.  Black cats is bad luck, Bill.”

“It ain’t all black.  Had some white patches.  So, don’t fucking worry about it…  Find anything?”

“Pretty sculpture.  I think it’s an Indian… but it could be a dancer.  Think it’s valuable?”

“Jeeze, keep your flashlight low!  You want someone to see it in the windows!  Nobody’s supposed to be home!”

“But we ain’t sure she ain’t home, Bill.  Her garage is closed, and we didn’t check it.”

“Well, if she’s home, that’s bad for her… And good for us.  Heh heh.  Why do you think I brought the duct tape?  I could totally use a freebie.  Heh heh.

“Yeah, me, too, I guess.  But I bet she’s got a nice car, Bill.  Maybe we could boost that, too.  Want me to check the garage?”

“Hot cars are too easy to spot.  Let’s stick with the plan: swipe the smaller stuff.”

“But all I see in here is weird art stuff, an’ I don’t know what’s valuable.”

“Me, neither.   Check out this picture.  Kinda sick, isn’t it?”

“What you think it is?”

“Looks like a goat dancing around a bonfire, to me.  And this one’s a giant eating a guy.”

“I don’t like that much, Bill. Makes me feel creepy.”

“Yeah.  Guess there must be a market for this kinda shit—especially if you’re a twisted bitch.  I almost wish she was home!  I could give her what for!”

“Like they always say: Crazy in the head, crazy in bed!  Ha ha.  Get it?  Paintings like that, she must be pretty crazy.  You think they’re valuable?”

“I dunno, Rudy.  They look pretty old…  But I think they must be prints.  Besides, I’d feel dirty just carrying them out of here.”

“Me, too… Fuck!”

“What is it?”

“That goddamned cat again, Bill!  It got under my feet—nearly tripped me!”

“Ha ha.  Who needs a watch dog with a fucking cat around?  It gets under your feet again, Rudy, you give it a good, swift kick!”

“Fuckin’ A, I will!  C’mere, you goddamned cat!”

“Hey, careful!  Don’t knock shit over chasin’ it!  We don’t want the place to look like it’s been tumbled—at least not until after we’re gone.”

“Stupid cat went upstairs.”

“We should go upstairs, too… Check if the lady of the house is at home.  Nothin’ down here but fucking creepy art.”

“Ladies keep jewels in their dressing tables.”

“And between their legs.  Ha!

“But you said she wouldn’t be home, Bill.”

“Rudy, right now I’m thinking it might not be so bad if she was home.  Heh heh.  Careful, there… Don’t want that fucking cat tripping you while you’re going upstairs.”

“Fuck, you!  I ain’t no klutz!  I know what I’m doing!”

Ssst…!  Keep it low, in case she really is home.”

“Which room do you think is hers?”

“Who cares?  Try ’em all.  But do it quiet.”

“Bathroom… Fucking storage of some kind.  Ugh!  Smells like a dry cleaner’s!”

“Must be all them fancy suits she wears.  Wonder what she wears under ’em?”

Heh heh… We’re gonna find out, ain’t we, Bill.”

“Yeah, we… Fuck—! What is this?!”

“Goddamn cat again?”

“No.  I thought it was an office, but look at this shit.  Black drapes… Candles…  Some kinda antique table…”

“Reminds me of the altar from my churchgoing days.  Heh heh.

“An altar with black candles and a big star on the floor?  Must be some kinda New Age shit, eh, Rudy?”

“Gotta be.  Where you think that cat went?”

“Beats me.  Who the fuck cares?  Just so long as we don’t trip over it carrying out the loot.”

“Imma take these candlesticks, Bill.  I think they might be silver.”

“Yeah.  Yeah.  That’s good.  Only one door left… Gotta be her bedroom.”

“You think she’s inside?”

“Not if she’s lucky, she ain’t.”

“But maybe if we’re lucky, right, Bill?  Hee hee!

“Be quiet as I open this door…”

CRE-E-E-AK!

“Shit, Bill.  She ain’t here.  Nobody home.  Bed ain’t been slept in.”

“No roll in the hay for little-miss-hot-dame tonight.  Too bad—for us.”

“Why’s she got another altar in here?”

“Fucked if I know, Rudy.  Religious New-Age bitch, I guess.  Start lookin’ for jewelry.  All the dough she makes, there’s gotta be something here somewhere.  Check the dresser…”

“This looks like a jewelry box… Aaah!

“What?!”

“Fuckin’ cat!  I think it clawed me!  How’d it get in here?”

“Who cares?  Throw a blanket over it while we loot the place.”

“Sure, I…  Aaaaaaa!

“Rudy?  What’s the matter?  Shit!  Do I have to do everything…?

“C’mere you little shi…

“OhmyGod!  Rudy… What’d it do to…?

“Oh, shit!  Oh, shit!

“Get back, whatever you are!

“Get away from me!

“Jesus, I… Aaaaaaaaaa…!

*

“Pussyface… I’m ho-ome!  Have you been a good cat while Mommy was away?

“Okay, where are you, you little stinker…?  I haven’t been gone that long.  I know you’re the jealous, type, but really… I had to work.

“Not all of us can lounge around licking our balls and waiting for our bowls to be filled all day.

“Did you take care of the place while I was gone?

“Fuck… Looks like you knocked a few things over…

“Little shit…

“I guess it was too much to hope that you’d be a completely good cat while I was gone.

“Are you hiding upstairs, you little sneak?  Waiting to surprise Mommy?

“Ready or not… Here I come!

“Shit… What did you do with the candlesticks in the Ceremony Room?  You know you’re not supposed…

“Oh.

“Looks like you’ve been a naughty cat while I was gone.

“A very naughty cat.

“What a mess.

“Shit.

“I don’t suppose you’d want to help me summon a bigger demon to clean this up?”

Mwrowr?

“No.  You’re right.  That’s probably not a good idea.”

Sigh!

“So much for my new carpet!

“I guess it’s time to call the rest of the coven, tell them to bring their brooms along…

“And some dust pans…  And some scotch…

“And a few bottles of bleach.

“No… Scratch the brooms… We’re gonna need mops.

Plenty of mops!”

END

Happy Halloween 2021, Everyone!

 Read the previous Frost Harrow Halloween stories:
The Weeping Ghost” (2012), “A Trace of Violet” (2013),  “Lunchroom Zombies” (2014), “Omens & Visitations” (2015), “Fata Morgana” (2016), and “At the Appointed Hour” (2017), and “Devil’s Lake” (2018), “A Walk on Witches’ Hill” (2019), “The Beast of Bay Road” (2020)

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